The Poly Tribe

A little while ago, I stumbled across a book called "The Continuum Concept", by Jean Liedloff. This book is one of the forerunners to Attachment Parenting, which is a parenting style that we found ourselves adopting to some extent before we knew that it existed.

Attachment parenting, however (as is nearly all modern parenting advice), is based on the concept of the nuclear family. In the Contiuum Concept, the emphasis is on sharing your life (including parenting) with a tribe. Because babies are at their most content when being carried, for example, you carry your baby in your arms or in a sling. Unlike parents who are doing this alone, if you need to put your baby down, you pass her to another tribe member. In the Amazonian society that Liedloff examined, parenting was shared, and so were the tasks of everyday life.

The parenting books and websites that I read when I was pregnant all warned about the stress that having too many visitors can put on new parents. Instinctively, we ignored this advice, and for the first few weeks, we had near constant streams of family and friends staying with us. This was partly because we are both extroverts, but also because we knew that those we loved could be called on to help. And many of those that came had children of their own, so they knew what would be useful to us: they cooked our meals, cleaned our kitchen, changed nappies, and cuddled our restless newborn while we slept. This support meant that I could concentrate on little more than breastfeeding and rest. And really, this is how millions of people around the world get through the difficult neonatal period. We're not meant to do this alone.

We are lucky that we have a large, supportive and loving extended family who were helpful without being smothering. But because we know how lucky we are, we also know that relying on family is not enough. We need a tribe.

Which is why both Gaius and I love the idea that Small will have Jemmy in her life. He can be relied on to offer support to us, and in the future, we all hope that she will consider him to be part of her tribe. More than this, we have friends, lovers and potential new partners whom we would like to share our family with in a million little ways, big and small. Similarly, I see a future where some of those we love will have children of their own, and having had such wonderful support offered to us, we can pass it on. We will know to cook their meals, clean their kitchen, change nappies, and (most importantly) bond with our newest tribe member by cuddling him or her, so the parents can have a break.

I know that many in the world think that lifestyles and sexual proclivities such as ours make us unsuitable parents, but I see the possibility that our lives are growing towards something even more wonderful and supportive for our family than the more traditional childhoods that Gaius and I were privileged to enjoy.

Where the concept of the tribe and my ideal differs, is that the people I surround myself with are here by choice. Even our families, now we are adults, are part of our tribe because we want them to be, not just because we are related. And my partners, lovers and friends are all people that I respect, love and cherish for their input in our lives. This is where polyamory comes in, because the bonds that we make when we love each other are not only as strong as a loving family, but they are all with people that we have chosen, and we value for their contribution to our lives, in many different ways. Some of these people will be our relatives, but others will not. Polyamory means that our tribe does not just create love, it is built on it.