Most of what is written about rules in polyamorous relationships concerns rules designed to limit secondary relationships or to protect the security of a primary relationship. A particular (and valid) concern is that sometimes rules are put in place before the secondary relationships even exist, and so at least one of the people who will be subjected to them can't be consulted and it doesn't seem fair to place restrictions around a relationship that doesn't even exist yet.
A couple might decide that they will go on dates no more than once a week, or maybe just that they will never organise dates on a Friday. They could insist that they will never allow their primary partner to sleep alone, that they will each have the power of "veto" over the other's new relationships or maybe that potential new partners must be actively approved. There are all kinds of rules that people in polyamorous relationships (especially newly non-monogamous ones) might create to protect their own relationship by limiting their others.
I'm not going to write about those sort of rules, because we don't have them and we don't want them. The stability of my marriage has honestly never concerned me and so we didn't design any rules to protect it. And now, my relationship with my boyfriend and my husband's relationship with his girlfriend bring nothing but good things into our lives, so why would we want to limit them with rules?
But there are limits around them. We haven't purposefully chosen rules or boundaries to limit them, but they do exist. The most obvious ones are there because we have a baby.
Having a baby means that my husband and I need to ask the other's permission before we go out on dates, because the other will be on their own with the baby. It means that we can't go away for more than a few hours without creating a serious imposition on the other. It means that I can't stay at my boyfriend's place overnight as I used to, or even be away from my daughter for long. She certainly can't be left alone, and more specifically, she can't get through the night without me. Becoming a parent has placed all kinds of limits around my life, and the more I try to pin down exactly what those limits are, the more they look like that list of hypothetical rules that I said we didn't want.
We may not feel the need to restrict our secondary relationships, but they've been restricted anyway.
I think that the goal of trying not to restrict relationships before they begin is a good one, but I don't think it is always as practical as some people think. I think everyone has limits in their lives that can restrict or even stunt the success of their relationships. Some of those limits might be there for practical reasons, like a mortgage or a demanding job, and some might be there by choice, like the desire to become, or not become, a parent, or the desire to spend a certain amount of time with an existing partner.
Things change. My boyfriend is being patient and understanding with these restrictions around our relationship, partly because he knows that they are reasonable and necessary, and partly because he knows that Small won't be a baby forever. Life changes, and so the space we have for other people changes too. If you want an unlimited amount of space so your relationship can take its most natural, unrestricted form, it's probably best not to date parents, or the polyamorous. And definitely not both.
Personally, I don't want that. The limits that restrict my relationships are there because of the shape of my life, and I want my relationships to be with people with equally full and interesting lives. I know that my boyfriend and my husband's girlfriend love and cherish my daughter, despite the limitations she has created. The things that restrict your relationships might also be the things that make life beautiful and interesting.
